signing back in blogger is the hardest thing i've ever done in quite a long period of time...

Since i am now inmobilize, i think maybe this is one way out as well...

i've been living in self denial, sud say am still in.... trying to find excuses for myself, trying to twist all that people have told me, all that i've been feeling...

my fren once told me to walk away gracefully... hahah... so much of the gracefulness, i got myself a huge scar on my face... Maybe then this will give me a reason that i no longer qualify to continue this dream of mine...

i've been shutting down all my feelings, living a life of a dead corpse... i don let any emotion gets to me, because i cant break down again.... standing up from there is just too much....then, maybe shutting down too much leads to what happened to me now.. haha...

To those who has been trying so hard, trust me... am a poison you do not want to be in touch with.

i tried that ph all the time.... everytime i need someone so badly, i would ring that ph... it never failed to be the unanswered ph... i let the tone drown me each time... clearly it hadnt done enough drowning, am still struggling half way...

i dunno when can i be dead, completely, or will i ever be reborn again?
maybe when another story comes, that is too good to be true, tat's when u'll see me again...

from tat day onwards,
everyday,
i find a way to torture myself a bit...
imagining...
thinking...
wondering...
looking...
seeing...
i kno i sud let it go...
but ppl who knows me know it's hard...

i feel so sorry for hv happened...
i feel idiot for once feeling sad for ur life...
i feel dumb for ever open my heart and try to be ur fren...
i feel even silly for not knowing wut is beside me is a poison...

u sud hav nvr be so proud to expose ur wall of pride...
u sud hav nvr spoken a word so i can live like a fool...
u sud hav nvr let it out when i am in my most fragile moment...

but hey...
surprisingly... am doing better this time...
my tab is getting tighter hours by hours...
from big blast to small leakage to small drops...
maybe someday it actually will stop forever...
but then, is tat a nice thing to happen?

i dunno....

I am learning here..
hoping i will be okay...
so far so good...
yes i cry...
yes i miss...
but i don bang myself into the walls...
even when i see the lights going deemer..
even when i see the light going further...
i kno i have to grow up...
i kno wut would come will come...
i learn to love my computer a lot...
learn not to hate it like i used to...
learn to find joy in the world of net...
i learn to be alright...

tomolo is the first day of sch...
how would tat be?
i hope is as smooth as how i feel so far...
even lotsa unsmooth around...
even when one barrier comes after another...
i learn to live my life...